It snowed this morning, it looked for a moment as if it should stick, the huge flakes pouring from a bleak and steely grey sky hitting the ground, covering the rooftops and the grass making square and rectangles of whiteness dissected by Rackham branches, leafless bare and black, but as I look now its all gone, the snow has vanished... as things do.
I sold my Kwan yin statue she was quite beautiful sitting in a meditative position with a calm smile on her carved wooden face I was sad to see her go but it was the strangest thing, as the buyer picked her up it was if she was turning in towards her and hugging her, it felt quite meaningful, in retrospect I'm not sure if she was relieved to be leaving or sad. Later I got a text a photo of her surrounded by lilies and candles and a text saying Kwan yin is prominently placed on the family altar to be enjoyed and treasured for years to come so I think she found a good home I was quite attached to her tho she was never the same after being out in the rain .
That was my first sale on Craig's List . I have a lot of things for sale including a deck of playing cards featuring me in my Playboy Bunny costume up on the roof of the club in Park Lane. Yours for a hundred bucks.Why am I selling stuff?
I have to create $$$$ a month to keep my Doberman alive, for her medicines and food . Why?
because if you didn't know she had atrial cardiomyopathy you would just think she was the most beautiful dog all happy and cuddly and wicked smart so putting her to death is not an option, not today.
My income is about $650 a month my oldest son pays my rent and he got me a car, that's pretty amazing. The rest was up to me... that was new, I didn't think I was going to have to keep on working. I was excited about not working, I wanted to learn to paint but every time a class came up at Multnomah Arts Center there was no money to pay for the class, there was no money for anything after Stella was diagnosed, it went out with depressing regularity $95 for meds $50 for pads $$) meds more pads special food, on and on, the water bill$300 the car ins$250 Health ins $260 the internet, the netflix, more meds,... I tried calling and asking if there were scholarships the woman on the phone was cold and unhelpful and treated me as if I were stupid.
Go to PCC she said and no we dont give grants or scholarships or trade and hung up. you see I knew in my heart that it was really too good to be true and one day about 2 months Harlan sent me a text saying that he would pay my rent but the rest was up to me there have been times when there was no 'rest'. How to find work I'm not educated I dont have a resume Multiple job applications resulted in nothing, no body wanted an old lady, I was too old.
The money I had in savings went on Stella and frugal living there came the day when it was all gone, there was nothing,somehow I managed, Andrew found a diamond ring, I booked brake repairs for a very sketchy company. my ex husband sent me $250, I had overpaid a bill Ben gave me money, somehow the dreadful day didn't arrive when I couldn't pay my bills or keep stella, ofcourse I write this in retrospect,then I could not see it. Just like when ruslan sent me a text ... I'm sorry I hurt you when we were married I wasn't capable of doing better. I tried to be grateful, I tried but the overwhelming potential for failure on my part was doing me in.... you need a lot of courage and insight to survive this life. I was in full blown mental breakdown mode.
Once I had just enough gas to feed H's cats and to go see Ben he gave me a plastic container with change, but the constant worry of not being able to buy my dogs meds and not having enough for food or to pay the gas and electric bills was making me ill and bonkers,and I'm not even going to talk about my daughter... I researched ways to die,car crash would hurt someone else, sleeping pills Id have to get some from somewhere, shoot me and Stella? too messy,drive off a cliff? a possibility but what cliff? and how awful for someone to have to clean that up. I wasn't brave enough anyway.
I understood in the darkness that when it seems like there are no options no choices no one to rescue me one doesn't care about anything except ending the pointlessness of being alive, you don't care about anything except stopping the pain,well there are other ways to stop the pain ,meditating is one way, it doesn't change anything except helps with detachment but then boom there you are again ,no money no choices the long slippery slope down to being that crazy old woman pushing a Safeway trolley down Powell filled with stuff -
I thought when I came to Portland that I would be taken care of, that was the promise, but it didn't work out that way and as promises were broken and things became progressively harder and harderI knew I had to let go of the resentment and anger and incredible sadness because those feelings justified or not create fear and paralysis. So being the incredibly brave and resourceful woman that I am I advertised myself for hire. More on that later.... I have to get to a place beyond all this negative stuff even tho most people would keel over under the stress that's sitting there waiting to overwhelm me and do me in , I remember one time feeling terribly sorry for myself while trying to create a new password and after multiple attempts being rejected and getting more and more frustrated, typing in fuckitigiveup...it worked
Let go of stuff like needing glasses, needing to go to the dentist,feeling sorry for myself for so many reasons ,unable to function oppressed by no money if you don't understand try reading keep the Aspidistra Flying not buying toothpaste using bicarb, eating eggs for a week, washing clothes without detergent, going to Fred Meyer with a gift card to buy food only to discover there was nothing left on the card, having to walk away from the checker leaving everything in the cart, wearing a hat because my hair looks bad, mending clothes,mending sheets, not caring that my shoes have holes in them and not caring that I who always prided myself on looking nice have nothing nice to wear Ive not been able to buy any new clothes for a very long time for a long time... I always try to look nice but lately I don't bother.
Money for clothing comes to me from strange and unexpected places or even nice clothes come to me ....that's better
I wear a hat all the time because I need a hair cut, I chopped it myself and it looks really bad, its been over a year since I had my hair done, 3 years since I had my teeth cleaned, I tried here with a Groupon but they insisted on xrays and I just wouldn't do it.
I got the money back, that was a good thing.$60. Helped. Money for glasses comes to me from strange and unexpected places...ok that's better.
More later I'm typed out for now.
I sold my Kwan yin statue she was quite beautiful sitting in a meditative position with a calm smile on her carved wooden face I was sad to see her go but it was the strangest thing, as the buyer picked her up it was if she was turning in towards her and hugging her, it felt quite meaningful, in retrospect I'm not sure if she was relieved to be leaving or sad. Later I got a text a photo of her surrounded by lilies and candles and a text saying Kwan yin is prominently placed on the family altar to be enjoyed and treasured for years to come so I think she found a good home I was quite attached to her tho she was never the same after being out in the rain .
That was my first sale on Craig's List . I have a lot of things for sale including a deck of playing cards featuring me in my Playboy Bunny costume up on the roof of the club in Park Lane. Yours for a hundred bucks.Why am I selling stuff?
I have to create $$$$ a month to keep my Doberman alive, for her medicines and food . Why?
because if you didn't know she had atrial cardiomyopathy you would just think she was the most beautiful dog all happy and cuddly and wicked smart so putting her to death is not an option, not today.
My income is about $650 a month my oldest son pays my rent and he got me a car, that's pretty amazing. The rest was up to me... that was new, I didn't think I was going to have to keep on working. I was excited about not working, I wanted to learn to paint but every time a class came up at Multnomah Arts Center there was no money to pay for the class, there was no money for anything after Stella was diagnosed, it went out with depressing regularity $95 for meds $50 for pads $$) meds more pads special food, on and on, the water bill$300 the car ins$250 Health ins $260 the internet, the netflix, more meds,... I tried calling and asking if there were scholarships the woman on the phone was cold and unhelpful and treated me as if I were stupid.
Go to PCC she said and no we dont give grants or scholarships or trade and hung up. you see I knew in my heart that it was really too good to be true and one day about 2 months Harlan sent me a text saying that he would pay my rent but the rest was up to me there have been times when there was no 'rest'. How to find work I'm not educated I dont have a resume Multiple job applications resulted in nothing, no body wanted an old lady, I was too old.
The money I had in savings went on Stella and frugal living there came the day when it was all gone, there was nothing,somehow I managed, Andrew found a diamond ring, I booked brake repairs for a very sketchy company. my ex husband sent me $250, I had overpaid a bill Ben gave me money, somehow the dreadful day didn't arrive when I couldn't pay my bills or keep stella, ofcourse I write this in retrospect,then I could not see it. Just like when ruslan sent me a text ... I'm sorry I hurt you when we were married I wasn't capable of doing better. I tried to be grateful, I tried but the overwhelming potential for failure on my part was doing me in.... you need a lot of courage and insight to survive this life. I was in full blown mental breakdown mode.
Once I had just enough gas to feed H's cats and to go see Ben he gave me a plastic container with change, but the constant worry of not being able to buy my dogs meds and not having enough for food or to pay the gas and electric bills was making me ill and bonkers,and I'm not even going to talk about my daughter... I researched ways to die,car crash would hurt someone else, sleeping pills Id have to get some from somewhere, shoot me and Stella? too messy,drive off a cliff? a possibility but what cliff? and how awful for someone to have to clean that up. I wasn't brave enough anyway.
I understood in the darkness that when it seems like there are no options no choices no one to rescue me one doesn't care about anything except ending the pointlessness of being alive, you don't care about anything except stopping the pain,well there are other ways to stop the pain ,meditating is one way, it doesn't change anything except helps with detachment but then boom there you are again ,no money no choices the long slippery slope down to being that crazy old woman pushing a Safeway trolley down Powell filled with stuff -
I thought when I came to Portland that I would be taken care of, that was the promise, but it didn't work out that way and as promises were broken and things became progressively harder and harderI knew I had to let go of the resentment and anger and incredible sadness because those feelings justified or not create fear and paralysis. So being the incredibly brave and resourceful woman that I am I advertised myself for hire. More on that later.... I have to get to a place beyond all this negative stuff even tho most people would keel over under the stress that's sitting there waiting to overwhelm me and do me in , I remember one time feeling terribly sorry for myself while trying to create a new password and after multiple attempts being rejected and getting more and more frustrated, typing in fuckitigiveup...it worked
Let go of stuff like needing glasses, needing to go to the dentist,feeling sorry for myself for so many reasons ,unable to function oppressed by no money if you don't understand try reading keep the Aspidistra Flying not buying toothpaste using bicarb, eating eggs for a week, washing clothes without detergent, going to Fred Meyer with a gift card to buy food only to discover there was nothing left on the card, having to walk away from the checker leaving everything in the cart, wearing a hat because my hair looks bad, mending clothes,mending sheets, not caring that my shoes have holes in them and not caring that I who always prided myself on looking nice have nothing nice to wear Ive not been able to buy any new clothes for a very long time for a long time... I always try to look nice but lately I don't bother.
Money for clothing comes to me from strange and unexpected places or even nice clothes come to me ....that's better
I wear a hat all the time because I need a hair cut, I chopped it myself and it looks really bad, its been over a year since I had my hair done, 3 years since I had my teeth cleaned, I tried here with a Groupon but they insisted on xrays and I just wouldn't do it.
I got the money back, that was a good thing.$60. Helped. Money for glasses comes to me from strange and unexpected places...ok that's better.
More later I'm typed out for now.
Good job!
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